it's not easy
being loved less every day
slowly, as your differences start to settle in
when they don't like the way you spoke just there
it's never all at once
just as you suffer
no matter how much you care
the day comes
when they don't look at you the same
you'll look back at your gaunt eyes in the mirror
as they catch you walking by
a moment with yourself at 2:49 in the morning
suddenly your back will break
from the pressure of life
your hands holding the weight of your body against the sink
long dark hair hanging over
the face your mother gave you
nobody is there with you
in front of that mirror
no hands rest on your shoulder
in that moment
nobody is there to understand you
it didnt happen all at once
where she was there for you
and then she wasn't
she was slowly but surely
not there for you sometimes
but sometimes became often
until you'll have a moment like this
in front of the mirror
and you'll realize
that she doesnt love you anymore
you'll reach that point
and struggle to see yourself in the mirror again
as your eyes fill up
and your chest sinks
it's not as if one day she loved you
and the other day she didnt
its moreso
that over months
she bargained to herself every day
if she liked the way you did something
and every other day lost the bargain
until one day she looked at you
and her heart didn't flutter
the next she was angry with your shortcomings
soon enough
she didn't want you to touch her
your hands somehow unwanted
your warmth somehow cold
it didnt happen overnight
you watched it happen in slow motion
and it's not easy
to watch someone un-love you in slow motion
its not easy to hear
that your hands
make someone who you love
feel uncomfortable
the same hands that hold you up
in front of that mirror
its not easy
to feel like those hands
cant make that person
feel at home anymore
it makes you think
and wonder how the four seasons of the earth
metaphorically describe the way
she stopped looking at you the same
how you were unloved
a little more every day
your hands needed less and less
until you are back in front of that same mirror
without her
you'll wonder how you got there
and you'll retrace your memories
grainy pictures and quiet nights
soft and subtle music humming in the background
candles in the van
in those memories
you see
every day she loved you less
suddenly it won't shock you anymore
that it's over
because you saw her drifting away
and there was nothing you could do to save it
you witnessed your hands pushed away
again and again
until
you'll find your eyes in the mirror
looking past your long dark hair
the same eyes that she fell in love with
you'll realize
that you shouldn't be surprised
by something that unfolded slowly
before those same eyes you stare at
when the summer you wished to spend with her
flickers in your unwanted palms
you'll begin to hate your eyes
for not seeing sooner
that she'll never love you again
like she did in september
when her hands
were electricity in yours
when her eyes
were sprinting at a future with you
when her lips
were begging you to come home from logan
and leave the silliness behind you
carefully you'll prepare yourself
for another life without her
and you'll wonder
if you can trust
the eyes in the mirror
you'll wonder
why your parents don't love eachother anymore
you'll wonder
how you lost her
you'll wonder
why you had to see it all happen slowly
you'll wonder
if it even matters that you have hands
if they're not wanted
you'll wonder forever
but you'll understand
the one thing you were meant to
that it is the slow knife that kills
