slow knife

it's not easy

being loved less every day

slowly, as your differences start to settle in

when they don't like the way you spoke just there

it's never all at once

just as you suffer

no matter how much you care

the day comes 

when they don't look at you the same

you'll look back at your gaunt eyes in the mirror 

as they catch you walking by

a moment with yourself at 2:49 in the morning

suddenly your back will break 

from the pressure of life

your hands holding the weight of your body against the sink

long dark hair hanging over 

the face your mother gave you

nobody is there with you 

in front of that mirror

no hands rest on your shoulder

in that moment

nobody is there to understand you

it didnt happen all at once

where she was there for you 

and then she wasn't

she was slowly but surely 

not there for you sometimes

but sometimes became often

until you'll have a moment like this

in front of the mirror

and you'll realize 

that she doesnt love you anymore

you'll reach that point 

and struggle to see yourself in the mirror again

as your eyes fill up

and your chest sinks

it's not as if one day she loved you 

and the other day she didnt

its moreso 

that over months

she bargained to herself every day 

if she liked the way you did something

and every other day lost the bargain

until one day she looked at you 

and her heart didn't flutter

the next she was angry with your shortcomings

soon enough

she didn't want you to touch her

your hands somehow unwanted

your warmth somehow cold

it didnt happen overnight

you watched it happen in slow motion

and it's not easy 

to watch someone un-love you in slow motion

its not easy to hear 

that your hands 

make someone who you love

feel uncomfortable

the same hands that hold you up 

in front of that mirror

its not easy

to feel like those hands 

cant make that person

feel at home anymore

it makes you think

and wonder how the four seasons of the earth 

metaphorically describe the way 

she stopped looking at you the same

how you were unloved

a little more every day

your hands needed less and less

until you are back in front of that same mirror

without her

you'll wonder how you got there 

and you'll retrace your memories

grainy pictures and quiet nights

soft and subtle music humming in the background

candles in the van

in those memories

you see

every day she loved you less

suddenly it won't shock you anymore

that it's over

because you saw her drifting away

and there was nothing you could do to save it

you witnessed your hands pushed away

again and again

until

you'll find your eyes in the mirror

looking past your long dark hair

the same eyes that she fell in love with

you'll realize 

that you shouldn't be surprised 

by something that unfolded slowly

before those same eyes you stare at

when the summer you wished to spend with her

flickers in your unwanted palms

you'll begin to hate your eyes

for not seeing sooner

that she'll never love you again

like she did in september

when her hands 

were electricity in yours

when her eyes

were sprinting at a future with you

when her lips 

were begging you to come home from logan

and leave the silliness behind you

carefully you'll prepare yourself 

for another life without her

and you'll wonder

if you can trust 

the eyes in the mirror

you'll wonder 

why your parents don't love eachother anymore

you'll wonder

how you lost her

you'll wonder

why you had to see it all happen slowly

you'll wonder

if it even matters that you have hands

if they're not wanted

you'll wonder forever

but you'll understand

the one thing you were meant to

that it is the slow knife that kills

https://soundcloud.com/josh_weston/all-ive-got-live-version