Lucid Dreamer

Three hanging crows

There were three hanging crows and a firelight flashing between them their twitches danced in death

on their noosed up tied perfectiion
with their breath now all forgotten as their wing beats remembered in the winds that carried their cries Three hanging crows in nooses woven through the thoughts of an old man holding a knife to his throat wishing he was worth it or something different than his
Three hanging crows behind them shadow of a firelight and a smoke of suffocation and nothing in between
and nothing down below but three hanging crows hanging from a stage

Blue Boy

Life wasn't about finding love
Life wasn't about finding jesus
Life wasn't about making fun
Life wasn't about losing best friends
Life wasn't about the blog that looked bad on your'e rep
Life wasn't about clearing your mind under the waves in cali
Life wasn't about making money
Life wasn't about family
Life wasn't about making the best hot cocoa
Life wasn't about lighting incense in your bedroom
Life wasn't about longboarding barefoot in october
Life wasn't about the fifth 10 mile hike this week
Life wasn't about another sunset
Life wasn't about the dinner you packed up the mountain
Life wasn't about clocking on
Life wasn't about clocking off
Maybe it was...
but the only thing that had life in it anymore was the perfect song for my mood that took me Six thousand Six hundred and Fifty Four days to find.

------Blue Boy - Mac Demarco------

The perfect soundtrack when your floating out of your body after a long day at work and no news from the outside world. The ripe cherry for when you ignored your family from the front door to your room because you just want to fit the stereotype for your age. The simple riff that makes you want to dance in the shower for hours and jump off a cliff at the same bloody time. The kind of mind numbing song that makes you forget everything when you feel the music and remember everything when you feel the lyrics. The hymnal for when your life is as screwed up as your sketchbook....and finally the song for when you love being lonely all the time.

chronological.

I thought it was bad in 8th grade when I was getting my cast on my arm on the way to pick up my dog that died three days after we got evicted.

I thought it was bad when my future was as low as the 17 on my ACT score.

I thought it was bad when I had no morals or honesty with myself or with god.

I thought it was bad when I believed high school was in its final phase and nothing could stop it.

I thought it was bad when we were moving and didn't know where to.

I thought it was bad when I knew I wanted to die senior year.

Oh how I thought about my funeral.

I thought it was bad when I discovered poetry second semester.

Oh the lonely nights I had.

I thought it was bad when love dropped me for the first time with one punch.

I thought it was bad when I believed  I knew what love was.

I thought it was bad when I took every opportunity to punish myself.

Oh how creative I was.

I thought it was bad when winters welcome brought me smog in my lungs and melancholy on my mind.

I thought it was bad when things were awkward between us.

I thought it was bad when I didn't say goodbye to you.

I thought it was bad when senior year was over.

I thought it was bad sitting in the ambulance after my friends "thought I passed out in the field" .

I thought it was bad without a job.

I thought it was bad with a job.

I thought it was bad when I said goodbye to my friends.

Oh how I would change.

I thought it was bad when when I said goodbye to my only anchor in life.

Oh how it grew on me.

I thought it was bad when dad's knee got infected.

Oh how it only got worse.

I thought it was bad when I lost my will to live.

I thought it was bad when my family stopped speaking to me.

Oh how they would miss me if I had just...

I thought it was bad when I stopped speaking to my sick father in the hospital.

I thought it was bad when I couldn't talk to anybody.

I thought it was bad when I had no direction in my life.

What... what more could happen?

What more could god take away from me?

I have nothing to lose.

Nothing to gain.

Oh how I thought it was bad then.

Oh how I was wrong.

Oh how I have nothing to lose.

the ox in the mire

sure as an angel
you spoke through the phone
a sentence to me not said before
one i had not the mind to comprehend
"hang in there"

what kind of love bays a blade longseeking?
what kind of love drops me on the first punch?
why doesn't anything work anymore?
what kind of love would take this long?

anyways...
i brought forth a spirit i cannot leave
to shoo out this evil cast upon me
the veil bandana across my eyes
between my vision and a firing squad

sure as an angel
the potential they speak of
when they look to me for future
and when all i see is canyons and canyons and canyons of gray

the absolute loss
in the shadow of the cross
the fern covered oregon grounds
and air wet with douglas moss

father spoke a fire through my ears
one i could not repair
i could not look up at them the same
in the hour they chose not to care

treading in water
treading on dirt
drowning on water
drowning in dirt

ive thought to myself
in not so lonely an hour
that such pain in life is worth the care
until the blessed hour when i gasp up for air

i am nothing
but a brother who's promise means nothing
but a son who's life is not of worth
but a father to an idea that rots in my mind

and i'll never have a sister

notes

i thought tonight would be a lot different

but it seems this was always part of the routine
im all alone now

i thought these weeks would be allot different

i just can't live like this anymore

but this is my note and i didn't know how to say it

im not happy

im not brave

im not ever speaking again

im not ready to wake up again to another morning

im not writing this for anybody

im done crying 

im done trying

im done lying

im done dying

im done

nobody will even see this anyways

im just done

this blog seemed to be the only place i was safe 

i cant bear to make them suffer for me

but i cant fix these problems anyways
i have nobody to talk to
even casual conversation
even my closest friends 

ive thought life through and through

no loop holes and no mistakes left undone

its been this way for years now

its only gotten worse

it only gets worse

it only feels worse

it only made everything worse

its just the worst

and im the worst

to the three people that will see this

If you have read this blog you know me better than you would if you knew me... and if you knew me you might not want to know me...
lets be real though... who even wants to read the shit I post on my high school blog... \\\ )

the people that once called me a friend

100 miles took its toll on me

i wanted to walk to you guys.

every.

single.

one of you.

you are all too far away now
all of you.

so i play in my little sandbox

and hike like a boy scout
with my notebooks filled with mountains

that incense burning on my walking stick

and my earbud iv dripping me dry

and so i hiked 100 miles

but you're all too far

too far for my legs to take me there

too far for my messages to reach you

too far for my calls to reach you

too far for my friendship to reach you

i'd walk a thousand more to see you 

but im just stuck in my sandbox

and there is no way i could hike out of this place
too far

chop n' screwin honesty

i have four scars that remind me of high school

the crescent  moon on my right when i was branded

the waxing crescent

and the three on my left when i lost it second semester

or at least i thought i did

if i was 17 again and saw myself now                      i might reconsider

three marks like heat awaits me in the next life

and i have to look at them every day

and tell everybody why they are there

and wake up in skin i never wanted

but sleep in the skin i dream into reality

Fell asleep tonight and woke to a morning years from now

Figured it wasnt worth it anymore

I stared at the shadows from the treetop clouds

after the sun left me

and I sat in a silence 

my eyes squinted against the wind

and they stared into the shadows

and my lips could not utter

but there was much to be said

and I contemplated life

and I contemplated death

and I drew from a spring and drunk a water 

and there became a lightning through my throat to my stomach

and all through my body till it consumed me

and a sleep consumed me

and there was no pain here

and there was no happiness here

and there was nothing here

and so I spat the water back into its world

I arose to a morning I had not yet seen

A mountain sunrise that ripped my mind

my eyes became awake

and the hazed treetop cloud broke into a mist of grey rain

and it stared back at me as I marvelled in its gesture

I was in love

and the air I breathed was something like pine

I was at home

and the air was chilling on my skin

and my blanket like a fire kept me warm

oh how i existed on that morning after I drunk the water and awoke

So much deeper than was the stake

of the feelings in the water world

where nothing is and nothing was to be

and my eyes were awakened

not as to squint against a midnight october wind 

but as to brave the chilling air of my mountain morning when sleep lay heavy on my lids

You were there.

and you were there unaware of your beauty as you slept 

and you were more so lovely than the grey rain

and my eyes were awakened by my dreams of death

to find a life worth living in an october rain

or an october snow?