So fucked

Every weekend it comes back to me
When the wee hours slip in.
The trauma.
Wishing I could drown myself in whatever will make one forget.

Forget the trauma.

--. .... ...--
--. .... ... ...--

Watching crimson go down the shower drain
Being so fatigued from losing too much
Constructing some sort of train track in each leg
Raking back and forth to open up old scabs
back and forth
back and forth
back and forth
So fucked
Sometime September 2016

Making a toast to the valley by the window in my room
Choking down burning liquor with such hatred that it didn't stand a chance.
Another one
Another one
Another one
Until I found out what it meant to truly forget someone's face for the first time
How well it worked
So fucked
Sometime New Years Eve 2016

Laying in a dark red bath on the morning of...
Hearing beach baby
over
and
over again.....
I remember
surviving just enough to make it out of the tub...
to smolder a death stick alone in the air of a quiet park
--montage--
That night
After the homeless man discreetly placed a death sentence into my hand
I woke up hours later, spinning into the most indescribable drug-fueled rage
Twisted up in my favorite tent, the tent I'd never see another night in.
My brain never healed.
Never the same.
So fucked
sometime June 2017

A brand new blade in my hand sent so deep into my forearm
There was no blood at first.
It was the cleanest cut.
The deepest cut.
The muscle I was looking into started seeping out droplets of blood
I was instantly in shock
Seeing that...
feeling that...
you never come back...
So angry at her
So angry at myself
I remember being so far gone I tried to pull my skin back together with my other hand
The inch of clearance between skin meant stitches
It meant an ugly scar
The pain is still residual
Every time those muscles move, it reminds me
So fucked
Sometime July 2018

Sitting quietly on the back bumper of the van
Addressing my first encounter with the sun that day
only to see it setting in the west
burning another American Spirit
feeling so numb...
so much so that when the cinder reached the end
eyes heavy again with tears
I planted the ember into the back of my hand
not even flinching
I sat in silence and twisted the cigarette straight into my nerves
the most searing sting
I remember pulling it away and seeing my skin, black and somehow melting away
So odd...
So fucked
Sometime November 2018

So fucked.
Every day since May 2016

Back to my plow

Exactly 2 years ago I arrived at spring semester excited, nervous, and completely unprepared.

I am now the tired young man I've come to know from two years gone by.

The days will surely never get better.

That's the first law:

Life is suffering.

Anniversaries

I know
You know
It was a year ago.

Once a gentle nestle
a vessel of making us special

Six months later I'd be dumped.
cut down to my stump

Certainly doesn't make me feel worth anything
to have known of your sting

Not even special enough to you
It was given away sometime after us,
to another
my once wolf mother.

So, anniversaries.
When memories make for surgeries and scars that brake arteries...
I'm left wondering if infirmary and pain were worth this anniversary.

A laceration in my arm reminding me of the penalty of admiration.
A frustration of obsession.

So regarding this anniversary....

I trusted you.

Re: Your new year's kiss

I hope it was magical.
Like the entire world melted into gold dust around you.
Like you'd found the one for you.
The kiss you wanted close to you for the rest of your life.

Like the ones, we shared a year ago...

I tried to end it tonight.
Too much risk if I failed in the process.... been down that road before.

Instead, I took too much of whatever I could find, finding myself chewing sunflower seeds in the dark listening to songs that once made us inseparable.

Now it's another year over, and I'm barely coherent enough to write this.
I wish I ceased to exist, but I'm too scared to fail at getting there-- to wake up again in another hospital.

I loved you like my next breath depended on it.
You loved me for my luster until I tarnished.
I would have carried you through anything.

So I hope the kiss you shared with him tonight promised you more than I could....
Because it only hurts me when I feel I could've done more.

Exactly a year ago I was so caught up in your heart.
Wolf mother.
That canyon brought me a woman that was well on her way.
My flaws are too many to trust anyway.

My legs are reminiscing a sting I haven't felt for a while.
I'm concerned that I'm alright with the pain, so long as it distracts me from all this.

So to this new year, I hope I survive another winter alone.
Survive the cold.
Survive the boxcutter.
Survive your memory.
Survive myself.