future missionary.

It started the day we were born. The ongoing fight that all men lose. 

The girls, they know, but they don't understand. 

Somebody told me

"you're a human if you look once, but you're not a missionary if you look again"

See, the girls know, but they don't understand. 

"keep your eyes up"

Let me start by telling a story about a kid named "every dude ever". Your walking in the hallway, your on twitter, your at the store, your anywhere, and there it is. We see it, we look again, and again, again, and again, because 9 out of 10 guys are in the same boat that I'm in, and the ship is sinking. 

Anybody that graduated high school/college before the internet has no clue what they're talking about.

Try growing up in a world where everybody including yourself destroys your mind every day, all day for living with the strongest instinct you were born with.

The weekly reminders that you aren't good enough takes a toll on you.

I've tied enough "slip knots" to know where the toll takes you.

I don't know why i'm writing this. 

Maybe i'm mad?

Mission. Mission. Mission. Mission. Mission.

"so when are you putting in your papers?"

I don't know.

One day she asked me "am I a temptation?". 

Sometimes I feel like you don't fully understand that word. 

Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't last as a missionary, between the sleepless nights, the psychotic episodes, wandering eyes, untreated depression, and struggling belief.

Is god out there?

I feel something.

I don't know.

I've never tried harder at anything before. Bishop says im fine, the voices in my head say otherwise, all the while he's telling me to end it.

I don't know.

All I can think about is you.

So until I meet you I'll keep my eyes up and my future missionary tag on.