Meditation on perseverance, decision, and refusal

Meditation on perseverance, decision, and refusal

3/13/2023


I set the tone in 2017 when I decorated my arm with failure, dropped out, and chose the long road.

I persevered.

I set the tone in 2018 when I chose to come back and make it work at all costs, even if it meant living through Logan winters in a van.

I persevered.

I set the tone in 2022 when I crossed the first finish line but chose to go the extra mile and bite off a double major, even if it meant losing a promotion I had worked 2 years to establish. 

I persevered.

So here I am, with a 6 year meditation on perseverance coming to an end and 7 weeks to finish. 

One decision left.

So here I am, older than I should be in this dormitory, with a choice to make. A choice to make about what kind of effort I want to exit with.--and about what kind of tone I want to set.

One decision left.

The final round, the last bout, the last dance, with the last demon.

One decision left.

Joshua Weston Hill is not a quitter or a weak finisher.

I refuse.

To let any aspect of my performance dip below virtue and complete excellence.

I refuse.

To let my habits wain and falter in the tempest.

I refuse.

To tie up with my opponent in the last round and let the clock expire.

I am Joshua Weston Hill.

This is my meditation on perseverance, my manifesto of my decision, and my record refusing to give up.


Aug 21st 1986 - Jan 29th 2022

"I don't know how else to say it.

Don't want to see my parents go."

But they did...

Two months ago...

Aug 21st 1986 - Jan 29th 2022

-

When I was a younger man, I lived in Alaska.

I would tell people how much my family meant to me.

I described the meaning of life in terms of family.

I couldn't wait to come home and join my family again.

When I returned, everything was different.

Dad was angry, mom was crazy, and they hated each other.

We were all scheduled to take a family photo when I came home, but it never happened.

The last time I cried was in a McDonalds parking lot.

Three years ago.

Mourning the inevitable loss of my family.

I knew it was over.

Three years later,

 I don't know my parents anymore.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I don't have a family.

They broke up... like the Beatles...two months ago

Now I live a fiercely independent life.

I speak to nobody.

I don't cry anymore.

I live in a city isolated from everyone I know.

I can sit for many days in silence.

I'm a man now, who lives as a man should.

In complete silence.

Without emotion.

I haven't spoken a word

To a single soul

about how much I miss my family

and how it tortures me daily

to live in silence

knowing that I'm alone in this world.

Who would hear me?

-

I'm not allowed to feel anything.

I'm not allowed to miss my family.

I'm not allowed to cry.

I can't tell anybody how I feel.

So I sit, in complete silence.

As a man should. 

-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmfyBnVNCn0

(#stolen)

 It's knowing that your door is always open
And your path is free to walk
That makes me tend to leave my sleeping bag
Rolled up and stashed behind your couch
And it's knowing I'm not shackled
By forgotten words and bonds
And the ink stains that are dried upon some line
That keeps you in the backroads
By the rivers of my memory
That keeps you ever gentle on my mind
It's not clinging to the rocks and ivy
Planted on their columns now that bind me
Or something that somebody said
Because they thought we fit together walking
It's just knowing that the world will not be cursing
Or forgiving when I walk along some railroad track and find
That you're moving on the backroads
By the rivers of my memory
And for hours you're just gentle on my mind
Though the wheat fields and the clothes lines
And the junkyards and the highways come between us
And some other woman's cryin' to her mother
'Cause she turned and I was gone
I still might run in silence tears of joy might stain my face
And the summer sun might burn me 'til I'm blind
But not to where I cannot see you walkin' on the backroads
By the rivers flowing gentle on my mind
I dip my cup of soup back from a gurglin'
Cracklin' caldron in some train yard
My beard a rustling, cold towel, and
A dirty hat pulled low across my face
Through cupped hands 'round the tin can
I pretend to hold you to my breast and find
That you're waiting from the backroads
By the rivers of my memories
Ever smilin' ever gentle on my mind


the hill and the dune

i lower my music 

every time i get to the door

because i know when i pass through the glass

she will wish me good morning

she is entirely distracting

knowing that there is something between us

the way she looks at me

is uplifting and motivating

but i dont have the credentials

i'm not a good mormon boy

and i dont know if she knows yet

i believe in death

my religion is philosophy

the study of how to deal with it

she doesnt know it yet

she is a good mormon girl

so im pretty sure that disqualifies me

i would corrupt her

as i have been known to do

sad

my life is a greek tragedy

hers is a pipe dream 

with light at the end of the tunnel

but fair enough

everyone should choose 

to date whom they desire

it just gets me thinking

if i asked her out

and she knew who i really was

would she say yes?




This and more, after the break...

Thank you for tuning in to this episode of the Joshua H. Experience!

Today we view the details of chapter 9 in section 22 of the sensational life of Joshua Hill!

In Chapter 8 of his life as seen on yesterday's television program he experienced euphoria with an absolute uncanny release of stress!

Will this new passerby become a special someone? 

Will the unfortunate details of his life press him to fight feelings?

Will we find out more juicy details of his parents' divorce?

Or will our favorite protagonist live out another ordinary day in Sunny summertown, Provo Utah?

This and more, after the break...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBh4oNS31vI

slow knife

it's not easy
being loved less every day
slowly, as your differences start to settle in
when they don't like the way you spoke just there
it's never all at once
just as you suffer
no matter how much you care
the day comes 
when they don't look at you the same
you'll look back at your gaunt eyes in the mirror 
as they catch you walking by
a moment with yourself at 2:49 in the morning
suddenly your back will break 
from the pressure of life
your hands holding the weight of your body against the sink
long dark hair hanging over 
the face your mother gave you
nobody is there with you 
in front of that mirror
no hands rest on your shoulder
in that moment
nobody is there to understand you
it didnt happen all at once
where she was there for you 
and then she wasn't
she was slowly but surely 
not there for you sometimes
but sometimes became often
until you'll have a moment like this
in front of the mirror
and you'll realize 
that she doesnt love you anymore
you'll reach that point 
and struggle to see yourself in the mirror again
as your eyes fill up
and your chest sinks
it's not as if one day she loved you 
and the other day she didnt
its moreso 
that over months
she bargained to herself every day 
if she liked the way you did something
and every other day lost the bargain
until one day she looked at you 
and her heart didn't flutter
the next she was angry with your shortcomings
soon enough
she didn't want you to touch her
your hands somehow unwanted
your warmth somehow cold
it didnt happen overnight
you watched it happen in slow motion
and it's not easy 
to watch someone un-love you in slow motion
its not easy to hear 
that your hands 
make someone who you love
feel uncomfortable
the same hands that hold you up 
in front of that mirror
its not easy
to feel like those hands 
cant make that person
feel at home anymore
it makes you think
and wonder how the four seasons of the earth 
metaphorically describe the way 
she stopped looking at you the same
how you were unloved
a little more every day
your hands needed less and less
until you are back in front of that same mirror
without her
you'll wonder how you got there 
and you'll retrace your memories
grainy pictures and quiet nights
soft and subtle music humming in the background
candles in the van
in those memories
you see
every day she loved you less
suddenly it won't shock you anymore
that it's over
because you saw her drifting away
and there was nothing you could do to save it
you witnessed your hands pushed away
again and again
until
you'll find your eyes in the mirror
looking past your long dark hair
the same eyes that she fell in love with
you'll realize 
that you shouldn't be surprised 
by something that unfolded slowly
before those same eyes you stare at
when the summer you wished to spend with her
flickers in your unwanted palms
you'll begin to hate your eyes
for not seeing sooner
that she'll never love you again
like she did in september
when her hands 
were electricity in yours
when her eyes
were sprinting at a future with you
when her lips 
were begging you to come home from logan
and leave the silliness behind you
carefully you'll prepare yourself 
for another life without her
and you'll wonder
if you can trust 
the eyes in the mirror
you'll wonder 
why your parents don't love eachother anymore
you'll wonder
how you lost her
you'll wonder
why you had to see it all happen slowly
you'll wonder
if it even matters that you have hands
if they're not wanted
you'll wonder forever
but you'll understand
the one thing you were meant to
that it is the slow knife that kills





Page 40 Volume 23 on Shelf 4 of Wall 3 of Hexagon:

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A most unusual feeling

Sailing on electric ribbons of sound
Dark wood grain and the soft hum of strung flourescent lights
An odd colored rug and a dimly lit garage

The dance beyond his limits
Blues for Allah
Free your mind, your ass will follow

Adventure holds fragrant memories
Bathing in smoke above a cedar-fire
Crude burning engines that barrelled across the old west for a campout
Lining a future cask with memories, sounds, and cascading quantum frequencies
Stopping at a motel and levy for three minutes of an uninterrupted smoke break
Neon signs buzz under the residual beating heart of a cancelled day
These sounds, these sonic ribbons of light.
The present time fleets this far past the breathing man.
Generations.
Though far dead now, remains a succor to a digital prisoner

The central scrutinizer
Eyes aren't meant for computer screens
Computers once worked with pencils, and would go home at night and eat dinner
Their tireless work carried meatbags to the moon
now replaced with copper wires and motherboards

Chipping white face paint
Gaunt eyes rounded in an egyptian curtain of charcoal
Slobbering poetry through meshed metal into the electrical signal
Transcribed into magnetic current, wound into a tape

Fractal gradients of color and sonic throbbing
It fills his ears, the magnetic tape swirling slowly on his lap,
sitting back in his listening chair with a long cord wrapped in his fingers
the unencumbered mind of a pre-internet being
intoxicated by the music..... just the music.
Smoke curling around the player's fingers, a stogie burns in his right hand resting on the chair
Two fingers harbor the dart while the thumb and subsequents a miller lite
Hi-fi muffs pressing long hair over his ears.


It is 1978, and this hypothetical has more than I'll ever know.
I sit beyond a line in the sands of time.
Criss cross apple-sauce.
The world wide web, being the line.
and I the ever aging glass eye.
Rock and roll, i am unfamiliar with.
A most unusual feeling it is.
When I hear the buzzing of strings ripped across 50 years prior.


I long for a time that breathes fewer breaths each day, in only the memory of the dying.
An albatross, carried around seaside mountains uncarved by railroads or highways.
Sailing hardships through broken harbours, out on the waves in the night.
A time where the magnetic tapes keep me in ignorance to that prism of consciousnes years beyond

In some other reality, i walk barefoot while my chest vibrates to the volume of a festival.
Where the colored lights aid the wisdom of the sage behind the analog microphone.
Where Neil rips across a distorted signal, and communicates a timeless philosophy.
Where Denver was a place and a person.
Where Jerry whisps a swan song.
Where the band slow-jams in a pulsing guitar solo
My brain bending so hard on acid that the music alone fastens me to the earth.
I find myself imagining this place of constant sunset in my mind.
Where music is religion.
Where drums make us dance.
Where synthesizers breathe.
Where soloists are prophets.
Where someone else is the cursed one...
who must partake of this music, in a one and zero digital mimicry of art...
rather than I.




Image result for type 2 tape maxwell blown away



https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7mnZYv1NQ7Tuj2IY290YUy?si=wLJ_M5luRzW2-tVRN07bGQ














it might be past my bed time and nobody will see this anyways

i wrote a soundtrack
45 minutes of gut wrenching music
straight from my soul
several weeks ago i released the trailer



all i have is music....



it might be past my bed time





20 people liked my instagram video, one commented
100+ people saw my story
100 people viewed the youtube link
32% watched until the end
two commented
("rad")
5 people liked it
one dislike :/
(I have reason to believe it was my dad--too dark for the family reputation i guess)





it might be past my bed time



must be my religious instability
im sorry for asking questions
im sorry its too dark for everyone, i just wanted to make music
i've felt a need to make this soundtrack since i was a kid
i ALWAYS knew i could write a soundtrack
but i was wrong about being able to make one that people would admire
im sorry i put myself out there






i know how this goes
the artist who plays at every cafe he can
and doesnt get noticed
and gives up
to go to school to be a businessman



it might be past my bed time


is this what dreams are made of?
because if it is true i dont want to sleep anymore
i want to wake up
this is a nightmare





i cant be who i want to be
i dont think i'll ever find myself like i did before








i think i'm just supposed to shut up
i think they expect me to keep it up
i think they want me to stay



                                            i might be done

it might be past my bed time



i cant even afford to quit anyways
it wouldnt work
itd only set me back further



so as i sit writing this
im reminded of how hard i try
 for 
nothing 
in return


it might be past my bed time






how much i cared







i cant ask other people to care about me



.....its just that....


people i care about 
make me feel small sometimes







and nobody really cares about josh hill :/



Another bender

Brushed flannel on my back
Calfskin boots on my feet
They creek along the wooden floorboards of this cabin for another round on the rocks

The fellas in the smoke shed are the only company south of Fairbanks
The second hand gives me a familiar headache
The darts conclude a long and hard day's work

This Alaskan solstice has my spirit saddlesore
The land of the midnight sun they call it
Every hour in this light has me weary for a proper rest

This wilderness is welded together by these rails
To which I find my time spent riding
Brown mane dancing behind me as the whistle blows

My heart, once gold, is now a rusted iron
And these are sinning hands
This Alaskan vice is the ace in the hole

My chest is heavy and burns inside from another bender
And in this quiet mire, I stare out these train windows
Wishing I was yonder, in the safety of true love's arms

--

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZmxZThb084




“Harvest Moon” is just a song

Trembling under that moon.
That harvest moon?
Feet in the december water but I was warm as I’d ever been.
That moon stole my fairytale away.
I’ll never love that deeply again.
Not because another woman isnt out there...
But because I thought I found her once before...
And she traded us for them.

Trust is just a word now.
Love is just a word now.
Feelings remain alive in me...
But theyre just feelings.
I’ve been burned by that fire before.
It still burns...
But I’d rather wander away in the woods and howl at that moon.
My fairytale is over.
No love is true.
No trust will last.
Life is suffering.
Its okay.
I’m happier on my own...
Because at least I lie to myself less.

My dreams are still haunted by it.
Like my conscious  self is over it, but my subconcsience is still really sick.
Like Mol in Inception.
She shows up in every other dream.
Just to fuck with me.
Its like every other day I have to get over it again.
Every morning is spent processing my dreams.
Dreams I wish would have been true.
Dreams I’m absolutely disgusted by.
Either way they leave me in a funk.

Loneliness and love are intense emotions.
She was my sweetheart... but that didnt mean enough to her I guess




Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Three thousand miles.

The drive was long and quiet.

Pines that would not stop coming.

Allot was on my mind.

She was on my mind, and I didn't seem to care, which is an important step in the right direction.

I've become the rolling stone that Bob Dylan sang about.

I overcame everything thrown my way.

My hat makes me feel stronger than I think I can be, and I've put it on appropriately when I need to buck up and be a man.

I was driving home last night, one of the first "nights" I've had here. The sun is always up in Alaska.

Streets were quiet, and the music made the coastal city come alive for a while.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eh-PMHmd00o

It was beautiful.

--

I woke up this morning and my fresh mind thought that when I swung the van doors open I'd be in Logan, instead, I put my boots on in the anchorage rain.

I feel responsible here. Like I'm becoming my dad. I put my rain jacket, watch, and boots on, I go to work and make to-do lists.

I've become someone I can count on. Someone who at the very least will be 100% honest with me, someone who will argue with me, and someone who will revive me when I've been hit.

I was sitting in the van today when the sun came out, the first patch of blue skies I'd seen since home. It was so blue.

Homesickness comes and goes.

These Alaskan sunsets go on forever though, and the seaborne clouds and the salty air are enough for me.

I will get by.

--

J,

I'll always be glad that I just came out and told you how I felt about you, even if it was too late, happening hours before I left.

Sometime in the fall, I'll see you, and you'll see me.

You know how well I would care for you, and you for me.

I know you won't let go by the Fall, and I don't really care.

I'm not going to fight for someone who won't fight for me.

I'm indifferent to the idea of "falling in love" anyways.

I have feelings for you, but I'm indifferent to them.

So when you come back with your answer, and it's not the one for me...

I won't ask you why.








I'm not the one who didn't let go

Remember October, when my world was coming back together?

And you.

You tried to see if the strings on your hands could still move me about.

And they did.

Now I am the one who can't let go?

No.

I did let go.

And you came back.

You always come back.

And it hurts.

The heathen.

I see a wretch.
The wretch who stole Vicodin from the medicine cabinet.
The villain who unleashed anger on the undeserving.
The dog that bites the mouth that feeds it.
The outcast to his former friends.
The knave that robbed women of their virtue.
The assassin that killed the spirit of God within him.
The reckless young man, mixing substances.
The Vagabond in the van.
The nihilist who sees no purpose in any life.
The junkie who would sell his brothers for another fix.
The black sheep who rebukes himself.
The butcher to his own living hide.
The furnace of unrelenting desire and lust.
The drunk at the side of the highway.
The lepper cast far away.
The Undertaker preparing his soul for hell.
The dissenter to his faith.
The skinwalker under the moon.
The false prophet.

Whether its the false woman's touch, the relief of letting my crimson humours balance, the Eagles burning through my lungs, or the ethanol on my breath, vice will always have its grip on my hands.

Loyalty: When she says to drink the hemlock, drink it.

My heart beats, I know this, I'm just unsure that it matters.

I've never, not even once, been told I was a good person.

Not from others...

but certainly not from myself.

No lack of esteem.

Just the quiet realization that repentance is just another word that doesn't change anything.

Excerpts of paranoia

I miss my home. Whenever I enter this valley, my life becomes instantly complicated again. Sitting in the UVU library with a friend I understood how well I reciprocated with my home, and how much I miss it. I miss having my memories of you being shut by the sanctity of my city. My sweet solace.

--

My family and friends seem to understand me less and less. They are drifting away from me. Every time I visit this place, I long again to be back on my own. They make me feel like a black sheep. Every word from my mouth is rebuked. Every move I make is under judgment. Every step I take is sick to them. My once closest people are slowly racking me out of their equations. I don't feel missed. I've never felt like this with these people until now. I wonder how things would have differed if I had served a mission. Would they then accept me? Am I so currently reprehensible to my tribe? I feel reprehensible. I see my father's eyes, and how they reflect his disappointment in everything I've ever tried to succeed at. My best friends didn't say goodbye to me when I left. They told me I wasn't Christlike enough. I heard my brother argue for my fitness in serving a mission as if he knew the multitude of disqualifications.

I see it in their eyes.

I hear it in their words.

I feel it in my chest.

I'm the outcast.

--

Driving into this valley, my sanity seems to slip. Since arrival, I have heard voices, flashed back, and seen things. It set me on edge today when I was just out buying some eggs for my family, I felt eyes peering from behind each aisle. I feel like the ghost of my past is walking behind me. Close behind me. I fear her memory and how it lingers behind me. I'm afraid of how deeply I miss something so detrimental. She told me once how unstable I was. Truth really hurts.

--

I've been fighting a panic attack tonight, the meds are about to be trippled down. I've been convulsing in this panic for an hour. I can't calm myself down.

--

Since I have left Logan, these people, these memories, and these ghosts have crushed me. I can't handle this conditional love coupled with unconditional pressure. I can't take it anymore.

--

I'm unsure that I'll remember writing this by the morning, assuming I wake up. I was in nirvana before I left Logan.

--

I once had a heart of gold. Now I'm too far charred over to be worth any more time in this body.

"Don't paint me black when I used to be golden."

--

I'm sorry.




Forgetting where my keys are before I attempt a drive home.

The only reason the water hasn't frozen over here is that the rivers are moving

--

I've lost every person that I've trusted everything to.

--

I'm alone out here...

and I know what I'm doing.

I know how much it takes to forget how much I was hurt.

I've found the only way to forget you... and all the memories.

I know what it takes to get the voices in my head to shut up.

It's such a simple recipe.

It works.

That's why I'm always on the medicine.

Because the only reason my heart hasn't frozen over is that the medicine keeps it moving.

Because if I remembered what has happened to me, I'd probably quit.






Parasites.

2 years ago today--

I remember being on the phone with her, she wanted me to see that movie with her. I knew this was my way into her life, but I was scared of her. I knew where things would have gone watching that movie on valentines.

So I said no.

The next morning, my newest best friend told me how he scored last night.... with guess who...

Spinning.

I was crazy about her, I just didn't want us to begin everything watching fifty shades of grey and being left alone with each other the rest of the night. I was too scared.

So I slashed my forearm in the shower. I was so confused. So angry. The scar still reminds me of the one time I chose the right, and everything fired back at me.

1 year ago today--

All I have to say about it is that I mistook my life with you for marriage.

I mistook you for a wife.

Today--

I was so close to asking her out. She has such a sweet smile. She said it was great to see me again before she walked past my knees to get off the bus.

In a moment of weakness, my mouth was granite, and I didn't ask her out. I watched her hair whip away from me as she got off at her stop.

Sinking into my seat on the empty bus, I was confronted with a final persistent understanding...

I have only been happy on my own. I have always been better off alone. The tradeoff I came to terms with on the bus today was this: That I'd rather fight feelings of loneliness for eternity than be tortured by another "relationship"--whatever those are anyways.

Parasites.


So fucked

Every weekend it comes back to me
When the wee hours slip in.
The trauma.
Wishing I could drown myself in whatever will make one forget.

Forget the trauma.

--. .... ...--
--. .... ... ...--

Watching crimson go down the shower drain
Being so fatigued from losing too much
Constructing some sort of train track in each leg
Raking back and forth to open up old scabs
back and forth
back and forth
back and forth
So fucked
Sometime September 2016

Making a toast to the valley by the window in my room
Choking down burning liquor with such hatred that it didn't stand a chance.
Another one
Another one
Another one
Until I found out what it meant to truly forget someone's face for the first time
How well it worked
So fucked
Sometime New Years Eve 2016

Laying in a dark red bath on the morning of...
Hearing beach baby
over
and
over again.....
I remember
surviving just enough to make it out of the tub...
to smolder a death stick alone in the air of a quiet park
--montage--
That night
After the homeless man discreetly placed a death sentence into my hand
I woke up hours later, spinning into the most indescribable drug-fueled rage
Twisted up in my favorite tent, the tent I'd never see another night in.
My brain never healed.
Never the same.
So fucked
sometime June 2017

A brand new blade in my hand sent so deep into my forearm
There was no blood at first.
It was the cleanest cut.
The deepest cut.
The muscle I was looking into started seeping out droplets of blood
I was instantly in shock
Seeing that...
feeling that...
you never come back...
So angry at her
So angry at myself
I remember being so far gone I tried to pull my skin back together with my other hand
The inch of clearance between skin meant stitches
It meant an ugly scar
The pain is still residual
Every time those muscles move, it reminds me
So fucked
Sometime July 2018

Sitting quietly on the back bumper of the van
Addressing my first encounter with the sun that day
only to see it setting in the west
burning another American Spirit
feeling so numb...
so much so that when the cinder reached the end
eyes heavy again with tears
I planted the ember into the back of my hand
not even flinching
I sat in silence and twisted the cigarette straight into my nerves
the most searing sting
I remember pulling it away and seeing my skin, black and somehow melting away
So odd...
So fucked
Sometime November 2018

So fucked.
Every day since May 2016