So fucked

Every weekend it comes back to me
When the wee hours slip in.
The trauma.
Wishing I could drown myself in whatever will make one forget.

Forget the trauma.

--. .... ...--
--. .... ... ...--

Watching crimson go down the shower drain
Being so fatigued from losing too much
Constructing some sort of train track in each leg
Raking back and forth to open up old scabs
back and forth
back and forth
back and forth
So fucked
Sometime September 2016

Making a toast to the valley by the window in my room
Choking down burning liquor with such hatred that it didn't stand a chance.
Another one
Another one
Another one
Until I found out what it meant to truly forget someone's face for the first time
How well it worked
So fucked
Sometime New Years Eve 2016

Laying in a dark red bath on the morning of...
Hearing beach baby
over
and
over again.....
I remember
surviving just enough to make it out of the tub...
to smolder a death stick alone in the air of a quiet park
--montage--
That night
After the homeless man discreetly placed a death sentence into my hand
I woke up hours later, spinning into the most indescribable drug-fueled rage
Twisted up in my favorite tent, the tent I'd never see another night in.
My brain never healed.
Never the same.
So fucked
sometime June 2017

A brand new blade in my hand sent so deep into my forearm
There was no blood at first.
It was the cleanest cut.
The deepest cut.
The muscle I was looking into started seeping out droplets of blood
I was instantly in shock
Seeing that...
feeling that...
you never come back...
So angry at her
So angry at myself
I remember being so far gone I tried to pull my skin back together with my other hand
The inch of clearance between skin meant stitches
It meant an ugly scar
The pain is still residual
Every time those muscles move, it reminds me
So fucked
Sometime July 2018

Sitting quietly on the back bumper of the van
Addressing my first encounter with the sun that day
only to see it setting in the west
burning another American Spirit
feeling so numb...
so much so that when the cinder reached the end
eyes heavy again with tears
I planted the ember into the back of my hand
not even flinching
I sat in silence and twisted the cigarette straight into my nerves
the most searing sting
I remember pulling it away and seeing my skin, black and somehow melting away
So odd...
So fucked
Sometime November 2018

So fucked.
Every day since May 2016