Parasites.

2 years ago today--

I remember being on the phone with her, she wanted me to see that movie with her. I knew this was my way into her life, but I was scared of her. I knew where things would have gone watching that movie on valentines.

So I said no.

The next morning, my newest best friend told me how he scored last night.... with guess who...

Spinning.

I was crazy about her, I just didn't want us to begin everything watching fifty shades of grey and being left alone with each other the rest of the night. I was too scared.

So I slashed my forearm in the shower. I was so confused. So angry. The scar still reminds me of the one time I chose the right, and everything fired back at me.

1 year ago today--

All I have to say about it is that I mistook my life with you for marriage.

I mistook you for a wife.

Today--

I was so close to asking her out. She has such a sweet smile. She said it was great to see me again before she walked past my knees to get off the bus.

In a moment of weakness, my mouth was granite, and I didn't ask her out. I watched her hair whip away from me as she got off at her stop.

Sinking into my seat on the empty bus, I was confronted with a final persistent understanding...

I have only been happy on my own. I have always been better off alone. The tradeoff I came to terms with on the bus today was this: That I'd rather fight feelings of loneliness for eternity than be tortured by another "relationship"--whatever those are anyways.

Parasites.