I cant be an artist

So I wont be nothing

Heavier things: trk 8

Ok it takes a special someone to make you break down at work while processing medical records.

It takes a certain song to remind you of that person.

It takes a certain person to bring me to this place.

The place where I'd stay up all night to sew up her wounds.

Every time I think of seeing her I cry out the most honest tears I can muster.

I am 4 out of 5 boys.

I've always wanted a sister.

All those years.

Without.

m. y.

f. r. i. e. n. d.

This isn't some girl either.

She's the reason I'm still alive.

I've never met her before.

but when I do.....

I'll be complete

With.

m. y.

f. r. i. e. n. d.

This isn't my wife either.

Its

m. y.

f. r. i. e. n. d.

I cant wait to see her little eyes.

And feel her little breaths.

And sing her to sleep with my guitar.

So she can sleep easy on her dreams.

I cant wait

for

m. y.

f. r. i. e. n. d.

Lucid Dreamer

Three hanging crows

There were three hanging crows and a firelight flashing between them their twitches danced in death

on their noosed up tied perfectiion
with their breath now all forgotten as their wing beats remembered in the winds that carried their cries Three hanging crows in nooses woven through the thoughts of an old man holding a knife to his throat wishing he was worth it or something different than his
Three hanging crows behind them shadow of a firelight and a smoke of suffocation and nothing in between
and nothing down below but three hanging crows hanging from a stage

Blue Boy

Life wasn't about finding love
Life wasn't about finding jesus
Life wasn't about making fun
Life wasn't about losing best friends
Life wasn't about the blog that looked bad on your'e rep
Life wasn't about clearing your mind under the waves in cali
Life wasn't about making money
Life wasn't about family
Life wasn't about making the best hot cocoa
Life wasn't about lighting incense in your bedroom
Life wasn't about longboarding barefoot in october
Life wasn't about the fifth 10 mile hike this week
Life wasn't about another sunset
Life wasn't about the dinner you packed up the mountain
Life wasn't about clocking on
Life wasn't about clocking off
Maybe it was...
but the only thing that had life in it anymore was the perfect song for my mood that took me Six thousand Six hundred and Fifty Four days to find.

------Blue Boy - Mac Demarco------

The perfect soundtrack when your floating out of your body after a long day at work and no news from the outside world. The ripe cherry for when you ignored your family from the front door to your room because you just want to fit the stereotype for your age. The simple riff that makes you want to dance in the shower for hours and jump off a cliff at the same bloody time. The kind of mind numbing song that makes you forget everything when you feel the music and remember everything when you feel the lyrics. The hymnal for when your life is as screwed up as your sketchbook....and finally the song for when you love being lonely all the time.

chronological.

I thought it was bad in 8th grade when I was getting my cast on my arm on the way to pick up my dog that died three days after we got evicted.

I thought it was bad when my future was as low as the 17 on my ACT score.

I thought it was bad when I had no morals or honesty with myself or with god.

I thought it was bad when I believed high school was in its final phase and nothing could stop it.

I thought it was bad when we were moving and didn't know where to.

I thought it was bad when I knew I wanted to die senior year.

Oh how I thought about my funeral.

I thought it was bad when I discovered poetry second semester.

Oh the lonely nights I had.

I thought it was bad when love dropped me for the first time with one punch.

I thought it was bad when I believed  I knew what love was.

I thought it was bad when I took every opportunity to punish myself.

Oh how creative I was.

I thought it was bad when winters welcome brought me smog in my lungs and melancholy on my mind.

I thought it was bad when things were awkward between us.

I thought it was bad when I didn't say goodbye to you.

I thought it was bad when senior year was over.

I thought it was bad sitting in the ambulance after my friends "thought I passed out in the field" .

I thought it was bad without a job.

I thought it was bad with a job.

I thought it was bad when I said goodbye to my friends.

Oh how I would change.

I thought it was bad when when I said goodbye to my only anchor in life.

Oh how it grew on me.

I thought it was bad when dad's knee got infected.

Oh how it only got worse.

I thought it was bad when I lost my will to live.

I thought it was bad when my family stopped speaking to me.

Oh how they would miss me if I had just...

I thought it was bad when I stopped speaking to my sick father in the hospital.

I thought it was bad when I couldn't talk to anybody.

I thought it was bad when I had no direction in my life.

What... what more could happen?

What more could god take away from me?

I have nothing to lose.

Nothing to gain.

Oh how I thought it was bad then.

Oh how I was wrong.

Oh how I have nothing to lose.

the ox in the mire

sure as an angel
you spoke through the phone
a sentence to me not said before
one i had not the mind to comprehend
"hang in there"

what kind of love bays a blade longseeking?
what kind of love drops me on the first punch?
why doesn't anything work anymore?
what kind of love would take this long?

anyways...
i brought forth a spirit i cannot leave
to shoo out this evil cast upon me
the veil bandana across my eyes
between my vision and a firing squad

sure as an angel
the potential they speak of
when they look to me for future
and when all i see is canyons and canyons and canyons of gray

the absolute loss
in the shadow of the cross
the fern covered oregon grounds
and air wet with douglas moss

father spoke a fire through my ears
one i could not repair
i could not look up at them the same
in the hour they chose not to care

treading in water
treading on dirt
drowning on water
drowning in dirt

ive thought to myself
in not so lonely an hour
that such pain in life is worth the care
until the blessed hour when i gasp up for air

i am nothing
but a brother who's promise means nothing
but a son who's life is not of worth
but a father to an idea that rots in my mind

and i'll never have a sister