Demarco's Winter

One year ago...

Once upon a time...

My life could be described by a handful of songs

My entire story was already sung

That's why I can't listen to Mac anymore

No matter how depressed I try to be

I won't ever beat my low score

I'll never be as raw as I used to be

I'll never get to love someone like I could before

Words don't deck me in the face like they once did

I feel old

I feel callused

I am opaque

This life...

These meds... 

It's like I've been screaming since I left Logan with my mouth wired shut.

No highs anymore...

No lows...

Just a heart rate monitor reading a flatline on a"Suicide Success Story"

4 Months in the Mad house

When the smoke was finished making me spin
Four months ago
Something inside broke
Something Important

Not sure what happened that night
Beyond the gore...

Not sure what changed

I can't cry anymore

Four months since
I joined the Mad House

Four months since
The voices had their mouths sewn shut

Four minutes till
They come back with a vengeance

Why I do what I do

It's not for attention
It's not for a high
It aint for a smoke
but for what I found in mine eye

Lucky 20

Looking for new eyes tonight
Ones I can see through
The eyes I knew once...

They said yes

Mine said no
No, over and over again
But those eyes...
Snake eyes

Now mine stare at the lights over the valley

Necking a smoke

Wondering how things went from deacon to addict

Acronyms

Kold
the words he never told

It
fire he'd ought not lit

Lashes
upon his gashes

Lives
taken by the knives

Edge
leaning off the ledge

Dead
what's inside my head?

--------

More
tales to his lore

Yes
Take another guess

Sick
wounds he will  lick

Ever
addiction's so clever

Love
killing the dove

Filthy
bloody boy so guilty

--------

Fear
of never getting near

Old
habits like mold

Rope
never could cope

--------

L abel
the boy who isn't able

O ath
could never stop the growth

V essel
red with a mortar and pestle

E nd
why is there no end?

Everything is within this video... everything

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4mPi45Lr0I&spfreload=1

1 year ago today

There is a disconnect when the past year is thought about.

You'd be able to see it better if you read the cursive on my skin.

Instead I'll remain the cynical young man staring down at the reds and blacks from the nosebleeds.

Now more of my soul lives outside the country than inside of it.

People I wish I'd never met...

If just to spare me this moment...

Alone outside in the sunset of my first year as an absolute failure.