Van-Lagged

I have regularly been awake till 5 am every night since coming home. It's like having altitude sickness, the way I can't sleep in a regular bed. My body is used to 5 degrees. I haven't much seen the sun in a long while. To some extent, this vacation is exhausting. I've come home to see people who won't make time for me. I want to be back in the cold, so much so that I'm considering not signing a housing contract for the winter.

Tomorrow I'm going to leave cell service, somewhere I'll need to dig out of to leave. Somewhere nobody could reach me, even if they tried, however unlikely. I'm going to sit on my chair outside the van and let the cold reach my bones the way I've come to know all too well. I'll cuss at my predicament in the cold and fall asleep at a decent time. I'll see my breath curl above me and I'll shrink to conserve my heat.

I've become van-lagged. I've raised my expectations of others..... I expect them to have missed me to the same extent that I've missed them--spending so many hours talking to myself. We've lived in separate worlds where they're trained to expect conversation every time they round a corner. So when I ask for an hour of their time I watch their eyes dart for excuses, often shown rather only by their "read receipt" by text.

This is the second break I've come home and wanted again to be alone and braving the ice in the van. I have been institutionalized by this life I chose. These people don't understand what it means to have company, always being so quick to excuse themselves with priorities. As self-obsessed as this will seem-- they are all taking me for granted, and tomorrow will take me back into the cold.

Sincerely,

The one who wouldn't ever let you down.

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