A new year's eve

Driving at night with the windows down and heater on, it's 4 degrees out. I'd gotten better and better at driving with the weight of nicotine in my lip. I remembered I didn't have a curfew, and that going to bed on time hinged on having to wake up for something but I don't have anything to wake up for.

I don't have anything to wake up for.

So I'll sleep until 4 and wake to texts I don't want to read or reply to. 

My hands tremor at how much I'd rather be fucked up on something.

Just to forget for another moment.

Forget I have a body.
Forget that it's winter.
Forget the grip of vice.
Forget the looming pressure of expectation.
Forget that I'm living in a van not by choice anymore.
Help me forget for a while.

I look around me and see absolute suffering.

My family and friends suffering absolutely.

I've watched my father become an old man.

Someday I'll see my mother become an old maid.

In this juxtaposition in life, I'm found wanting someone that has been so toxic to me.

Now I'm drifting away...

In this existential prison, I see "god will give me justice" traced over in a ritual insanity.

That's what I am now, a prisoner to my own mortality.

Reminded that nothing will go away unless you're fucked up or dead.
Drifting away...

New years eve I'll spend alone, watching my journey come to an end by the bottom of whatever glass I wash away my pain with.

Cheers.